My Pursuit of Happiness

A few months ago, I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. The word "disorder" has negative connotations to it. It implies that there is something wrong with you. For the longest time, I have thought there was something wrong with me. When a doctor told me I had a disorder at 21 years old, it reaffirmed my self doubt and insecurities: "I am broken."

"I am fear. I make your mind spin out of control. I wind your body tight as a drum. You try to hide from me. I will find you. Look over your shoulder. I am behind you. Look forward. My shadow crosses your path. Look into a mirror and you see me sneering back at you. I control your life. You can do nothing to stop me."

I knew something was up my second semester of college. I started having random attacks where I couldn't breathe and my heart would feel like it was going to pound out of my chest. I thought I was dying at 18. At the time, it was during the swine flu epidemic so I thought that's what it must be. After some tests, I realized it must simply be stress. I tried to calm myself down and didn't really think about it for the next few years. This year it got the best of me. My anxiety got so bad I was having attacks on a regular basis, at least one a day if not more. I was depressed, sad, worried, and even physically sick. It was at the point where I couldn't even go to work or leave the house anymore because I felt so crappy that I decided to do something about it. I went to the doctor about four times before they finally were able to help me. Going through that whole process was one of the most frustrating parts of the whole situation. I knew there was something wrong and I just wanted someone, anyone, to help me get through it. 

A doctor prescribed me some medication that only seemed to make my physical problems worse. My anxiety had lessened and I was having almost no attacks. Only thing was, I was having so many digestive and other physical problems that it almost negated any positive steps forward my anxiety could have been making while being on the medication. I went to a different doctor yesterday and she prescribed me a different medication that has a lot less side effects, and I'm feeling very optimistic that this one will work better for me. 

I also started counseling with an anxiety specialist two weeks ago. So far it has been very frustrating because the specialist is very young and acts like I'm speaking a different language when I'm trying to explain myself to her. It is hard enough for people with anxiety to put themselves out there and lay all their insecurities and fears out on the table without someone acting like what you're feeling and thinking is wrong, instead of telling you "it's a part of the disorder and here is a way to work past that."

Because of the issues with the counselor, I bought a bunch of books on anxiety today and already they have been very helpful and given me a lot to think about. Here are some quotes that have really made me more positive and hopeful about overcoming this disorder that has been ruling my life:

"Anxiety is a safeguarding mechanism that causes people to frighten themselves out of doing things."

"We all feel afraid sometimes. There is an appropriate feeling that can be a signal of real danger and threat. At the same time, we sometimes feel afraid without reason. Our guesses and fantasies about what might happen keep us afraid of events and experiences that may never befall us. It is useless to attempt to eliminate fear altogether, whether it be ritualistic or imagined."

"Developing an optimistic outlook can undo many forms of distress based on unrealistic pessimism."

These next few quotes really made me feel better because they sound exactly like how I am and the things I hate about myself, and they are offering ways to overcome them and show that I'm not the only one who has these thoughts and feelings.

"In the grip of a fearful state of mind, you likely have trouble concentrating. Your mind goes from one dreaded possibility to another. You worry about making mistakes. You make mountains out of molehills. You second-guess yourself and hesitate when action is the better response."

"Twenty-nine percent of the U.S. population will at some time over their lifetime suffer an intense and persistant fear or anxiety."

I'm only on page 10 of this book, which is called "The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Anxiety" by William J. Knaus, and I have already found a lot of helpful information that will  help me in my life. I have anxiety disorder, and I'm not ashamed of it. It is just a trial in my life that I have to learn to overcome, and I know I can because God doesn't give anyone trials that they can't handle. I can do this, and you can too. I am not broken.